Dear Girls: Here's why you should never date a man with a huge manhood

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Trouser snake. One-eyed monster. 100 per cent all-beef thermometer. Pink tractor beam. Tent pole. Purple-headed soldier man. Men.

You may be under the impression that, when it comes to your pen_is, bigger is better. This is a lie spread by p0rn, probably because it's just easier to see bigger ones on screen.

But in actual fact, as most ladies know, dating someone with an anaconda truly worthy of the name is actually a hindrance. Here's why.

1. Normal cond0ms don't fit which you'd think might make everyone smug. In fact, it results in se_x being delayed for at least a week while you try to track down a specialist supplier who, naturally, charges triple the price for XXLs.

2. Vag!nas don't fit Or rather, it doesn't fit any vag!nas. It's a bit like trying to squeeze Optimus Prime into an aeroplane loo. Any kind of action is going to require serious forward-planning and very careful manoeuvers if you want to avoid serious damage to one or both parties.

3. Cystitis. Because nothing says r0mance like bruising your girlfriend's ure_thra so badly she ends up peeing fire.

4. A very real risk of suffocation In p0rn the whole 'woman almost choking on man meat' is probably quite hot. In real life no woman wants to go out like that.

5. Vanilla se_x. With a small or average-sized member you can both rut away to your little hearts' content with you on top, them on top, sitting down, from behind, from the side and so on, in an almost unending series of combinations. Larger lads have to content themselves with one ole faithful – whichever one doesn't make their lady howl in agony.

6. Bleeding. Because, for some men, the term pork sword is unfortunately accurate.

7. Careful, measured se_x OK, so there's no downside to the fact several hours of foreplay becomes a necessity rather than a nicety. But you'll never have fast, passionate, 'animal' se_x without a lot of pain afterwards.

8. You will always need lube always. Fancy a quickie in the back of your BMW in the car park? Yeah. I hope you carry lube around in your handbag.

9. They're messy to look at. The whole of classical Greek sculpture shuns your out-of-proportion yogurt slinger.

— Metro


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