PLEASE HELP: I paid my own lobola, now my husband wants to marry a second wife


Dear Aunty Lisa,

I am devastated and don’t know what to do. I paid my own lobola and married my husband two years ago.

Our marriage was good until recently when he told me he wants to marry another woman. He says he still l0ves me but wants to expand his family.

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I can’t bear the thought of sharing him or being a second wife. Please help, I don’t want to lose my marriage.


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Troubled Lady

Aunty Lisa Responds:

Dear Troubled Lady,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this distressing situation. Paying your own lobola does not diminish your rights as a wife. You deserve to be honored and cherished as his only wife. Here are my thoughts:

  • Set firm boundaries. Make it clear that polygamy is unacceptable to you and will end your marriage. Stand up for what you want in this relationship.
  • Question his motives. Ask your husband why he suddenly wants another wife. Are his reasons financial, emotional or cultural? Have an open, honest discussion to understand his perspective.
  • Seek marriage counseling. A counselor can help you both work through this issue in a healthy, respectful way that considers each other’s needs. Communication and compromise may be possible through professional guidance.
  • Prepare yourself. If your husband insists on taking another wife against your wishes, you will need emotional and practical support. Have a plan for how you will move forward as a single woman if necessary.
  • Stay calm. Avoid responding out of anger or jealousy. Focus the conversation on your fundamental desire for an exclusive, loving marriage with him as his only wife.
  • Act promptly. The longer he pursues another wife behind your back, the harder it will be to save your marriage. Request counseling immediately and set clear expectations for your relationship.

Follow your heart and stand up for the marriage you want, my dear. Stay strong in the boundaries you set for how you deserve to be loved and honored as his wife. I’m wishing you peace, clarity and the very best outcome through open communication and respect.

Yours truly,

Aunty Lisa

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